Gale force winds

You couldnt have loved me in the begining. You couldnt have wanted me to be with you then. I should have listened when he said "No one will ever love you". I want to learn from this. I want to understand it but I cant. All I know is that I am sad. So sad. It wont leave me. Going back wont help cause it will just remind me of us, of what I thought we were and what we would be.

Learn to close yourself off. Learn not to let anyone in. If you wont be loved, then learn not to love. Learn to keep yourself safe from pain. Keep yourself away from such a temptation. Keep yourself free from the probability of being hurt. Like a candle, snuff your light. Hold it for parents, friends and pets.

Hold yourself up, just long enough for the pain to stop visiting you daily. Til eventually you can shelve it. Place it with your ornaments and become able to tell a story about it. A story that happened to another person, in another lifetime. This will end. Although a piece of you will go with it you must remember that this is life. A dying, an aging of passion until it disappears.

Mine is less of an aging and more of a snuffing, blown out by a gale. Never to return again for fear of having to brave the wind. The world has other plans for you and you must make peace with this. Leave your love behind and remember that once you were blessed to wake up and see the person you love next to you. To wake up and want to devour him so badly. To own him and never let him go.

But this time has ended. Each year will have its box. Each box needs to be locked so you can never go back. Each time held sacred by wood and metal. Secure enough never to find you again.

God it hurts so badly. I cant stop crying. I am sorry that I was not all you wanted and that you, in return, were my hero.

I feel like I have nothing to look foward to. I keep trying to give myself so pleasure in returning, buying a dog, re-doing my kitchen and seeing my friends and family. All of these seem so small in comparison with my longing to be with you. I understand that I cant. But the emotion of it is less eager to listen. So I return to my friends, my family, my dog and my kitchen nightly hoping that soon they will provide me with the power to keep sane through it all.

I still look for you and try to watch every movement, even though they are brief. I revisit it all. the emails, the photographs, the text messages. But it doesnt change that you dont want me, never wanted me. It just makes me feel more confused that I wouldnt believe it for 2 years.

I want to say well, thats life. But then I want to scream. Why me, why my life, why you, why us? My anger is so raw, so desperate and desolate. I am learning that screaming and crying does nothing to change the situation. That nothing is going to happen. It doesnt make a difference at all.

All I can do is avoid you and my thoughts of you until this vase has been created for my shelf. And one day, I will be able to describe the beauty of being in love, even if it was short lived. Even if it was only a couple of perfect months in my life. I will always have that feeling. I will always have the photographs. I will not let go of the feeling of my heart being so consumed it felt like it was going to explode. And that I all I will have.