We spoke last night for the first time in about a month. It was hard and good at the same time. I have so many things running through my head at the moment. So many things I am trying to understand.
You still have no idea what happened or why. You seem to think you have a problem but dont really want to deal with it. Instead you want to lock it up and discipline it. No good will come of this.
You are unsure about us. The feelings you have right now are ones of protection. Like myself you are trying to protect something - something undefined. There are so many things that exist, I am not sure that they weigh too heavily against the ones that we are protecting.
We still cant tell each other the truth. We still feel scared of each other. I imagine that this will take a long time to change - if it will change at all.
We still feel a lot of pressure to be what we perceive our partner wants us to be but neither of us actually listens to the proper wants and needs of our partner.
Neither of us is ready to deal with us. In my strength I want to say that we should be broken up, try not to fix anything now, not at a distance. I want to say that I wont contact him again.
I want to say that I will find ways of separating myself from him and owning my pain. I can't comfort it unless I own it. I am going to focus on this for the time being. I need to find my strength cause over the next couple of weeks I will need it.
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