Tears

I think
I have cried all the tears
I have been given
for tonight

Gale force winds

You couldnt have loved me in the begining. You couldnt have wanted me to be with you then. I should have listened when he said "No one will ever love you". I want to learn from this. I want to understand it but I cant. All I know is that I am sad. So sad. It wont leave me. Going back wont help cause it will just remind me of us, of what I thought we were and what we would be.

Learn to close yourself off. Learn not to let anyone in. If you wont be loved, then learn not to love. Learn to keep yourself safe from pain. Keep yourself away from such a temptation. Keep yourself free from the probability of being hurt. Like a candle, snuff your light. Hold it for parents, friends and pets.

Hold yourself up, just long enough for the pain to stop visiting you daily. Til eventually you can shelve it. Place it with your ornaments and become able to tell a story about it. A story that happened to another person, in another lifetime. This will end. Although a piece of you will go with it you must remember that this is life. A dying, an aging of passion until it disappears.

Mine is less of an aging and more of a snuffing, blown out by a gale. Never to return again for fear of having to brave the wind. The world has other plans for you and you must make peace with this. Leave your love behind and remember that once you were blessed to wake up and see the person you love next to you. To wake up and want to devour him so badly. To own him and never let him go.

But this time has ended. Each year will have its box. Each box needs to be locked so you can never go back. Each time held sacred by wood and metal. Secure enough never to find you again.

God it hurts so badly. I cant stop crying. I am sorry that I was not all you wanted and that you, in return, were my hero.

I feel like I have nothing to look foward to. I keep trying to give myself so pleasure in returning, buying a dog, re-doing my kitchen and seeing my friends and family. All of these seem so small in comparison with my longing to be with you. I understand that I cant. But the emotion of it is less eager to listen. So I return to my friends, my family, my dog and my kitchen nightly hoping that soon they will provide me with the power to keep sane through it all.

I still look for you and try to watch every movement, even though they are brief. I revisit it all. the emails, the photographs, the text messages. But it doesnt change that you dont want me, never wanted me. It just makes me feel more confused that I wouldnt believe it for 2 years.

I want to say well, thats life. But then I want to scream. Why me, why my life, why you, why us? My anger is so raw, so desperate and desolate. I am learning that screaming and crying does nothing to change the situation. That nothing is going to happen. It doesnt make a difference at all.

All I can do is avoid you and my thoughts of you until this vase has been created for my shelf. And one day, I will be able to describe the beauty of being in love, even if it was short lived. Even if it was only a couple of perfect months in my life. I will always have that feeling. I will always have the photographs. I will not let go of the feeling of my heart being so consumed it felt like it was going to explode. And that I all I will have.

I get scared
Then I get angry
Then I try to run away

How do I get the Nausher out of me? How do I move on?
You want me
but you dont really want me
You see me as your burden
And perhaps I am
A burden that you wont let go of.

I ask for the strength to give us the freedom to do that
Let go of each other
There is nothing we can give each other
And I think we know that.

You have been calling and emailing.
Its really confusing me.
More questions that I cant answer

What happened? Whats triggered this change? And how do I believe it?

Today I feel the need for details...Answers. Everything I see just makes me ask more questions. I am going mad.

Why do you do this?

You called last night
I fell for it
I thought you wanted me back
I thought you said you would never stop loving me
You said sorry - you sounded sorry

Then you got upset
When I wanted space to fix myself
You started swearing and you put the phone down

Then you spent the next hour calling
I almost wanted to fly home last night
To be with you
To feel with you
And then
Well then
Lets just say I am not having you manipulate me anymore

It hard to know what decisions are right in life.
I think we are all scared of making the wrong the choice and regretting it later.
Is that why I am struggling to decide?

I want to be with you
but not now
not like this

You spurn my natural emotions
You make me feel like dirt
And it hurts
And if I start a commotion
I run the risk of losing you
And that's worse

Ever fallen in love with someone
Ever fallen in loveIn love with someone
Ever fallen in loveIn love with someone
You shouldn't've fallen in love with

I can't see much of a future
Unless we find out what's to blame
What a shame
And we won't be together much longer
Unless we realize that we are the same

Ever fallen in love with someone
Ever fallen in love
In love with someone
Ever fallen in love
In love with someone
You shouldn't've fallen in love with

You disturb my natural emotions
You make me feel like dirt
And I'm hurt
And if I start a commotionI'll only end up losing you
And that's worse

Ever fallen in love with someone
Ever fallen in loveIn love with someone
Ever fallen in loveIn love with someone
You shouldn't've fallen in love with
Ever fallen in love with someone
Ever fallen in loveIn love with someone
Ever fallen in loveIn love with someone
You shouldn't've fallen in love with
Fallen in love with

Ever fallen in love with someone
You shouldn't've fallen in love with

B-R-O-K-E-N

We spoke last night for the first time in about a month. It was hard and good at the same time. I have so many things running through my head at the moment. So many things I am trying to understand.

You still have no idea what happened or why. You seem to think you have a problem but dont really want to deal with it. Instead you want to lock it up and discipline it. No good will come of this.

You are unsure about us. The feelings you have right now are ones of protection. Like myself you are trying to protect something - something undefined. There are so many things that exist, I am not sure that they weigh too heavily against the ones that we are protecting.

We still cant tell each other the truth. We still feel scared of each other. I imagine that this will take a long time to change - if it will change at all.

We still feel a lot of pressure to be what we perceive our partner wants us to be but neither of us actually listens to the proper wants and needs of our partner.

Neither of us is ready to deal with us. In my strength I want to say that we should be broken up, try not to fix anything now, not at a distance. I want to say that I wont contact him again.

I want to say that I will find ways of separating myself from him and owning my pain. I can't comfort it unless I own it. I am going to focus on this for the time being. I need to find my strength cause over the next couple of weeks I will need it.

I am hurt and disapointed by your inability to do anything to heal this relationship.
I am the injured party and yet I have to do everything to make it better. Well I cant!
I dont have the strength anymore.
You cant/ wont do anything for me.
It makes me so angry
I am giving up, giving in. It is over and I must except that fact. There is nothing for me.
I wanted you to want to heal this relationship.
But you wont or cant
Either way
I am giving you want you want
To be free

Tomorrow

I am going to wait until we speak tomorrow but my feeling today is that I wont ever get over this. That you will never understand nor try to. That I am wasting my emotions on someone who has other things to do.

I dont want to throw in the towel until tomorrow but the light is dimmer after last night.

Comes and Gos

I have good days and bad. I sent you a request. A 3 page space, a foot in the door. you said you needed time. I said you could have time. Am I unreasonable in feeling hurt cause its been a week? Am I over reacting again - as he always says I do? I am trying to trust and believe in you. But today - well today I am having a bad day. Today I am doubting myself and you.

Today I am sore and sad again.
I am learning to understand how quickly these ebbs and flows happen. Like a flash flood catching me unawares.
I sit and I die a little more. Will it stop? Will I get to a place where I have nothing left to die anymore.

I am not sure when - they say it takes a full 365 calendar year to get over someone. I am going to try to trust and believe in you for a little while longer. I am holding out. But if the wait gets too long, then I MUST realise that you have answered my first question - will you put me and us first?

"If Your Girl Only Knew"

If your girl only knew That you was trying to get with me (what would she do)
If your girl only knew That you was dissin' her to talk to me

She would probably leave you alone
She would probably curse you out and unplug her phone
I bet she'd be glad that he was gone
And then she wouldn't have to worry*

If your girl only knew That I would want to kick it with you (if she knew)
And if your girl could only see How you be calling me, getting fresh with me

She would probably leave you alone
She would probably curse you out and unplug her phone
I bet she'd be glad that he was gone
And then she wouldn't have to worry

She's crazy to put up with you
Oh boy I won't be no fool
Let you like what you see
It ain't easy to get with me
But it's dumb to put up with you
I won't be no fool
Let you like what you see
It ain't easy to get with me

She would probably leave you alone
She would probably curse you out and unplug her phone
I bet she'd be glad that he was gone
And then she wouldn't have to worry

She would probably leave you alone
[repeat]

If your girl only knew
(what you saying, what you saying, what you saying, huh?)
[Fades Out]

Wounded bird, lost rabbit

I have spent all day trying to check up on you. I wanted to find something, anything to prove that I am right about you. I felt my power dribble away. Lost in my sense of helplessness, I am so frustrated with this state. I want to call you, kiss you, hold you, pretend this had never happened. But I cant even bring myself to talk to you. When I think too hard about you, I feel myself go. I loose my strength.



How do you fix that? How to I hold onto myself? Be resolute, I say! For the most part I have been better at it. But then days like these come along and I want to die from longing and confusion, hatred and love.



I want to explain this all to you. But I know you wont explain it to me. You wont help me understand anything. I will give you all I have and you will give me nothing. I will be back at square one and eventually I will have nothing again. God - what do I do? Why is this so hard?



Sometimes I open your facebook page just so I can see what you are up to. I want to be part of everything and I never want to see you again all at the same time. Trying to piece it all together until it makes some kind of sense - I feel like sense will save me. Though I know it won't. Oh universe - give me strength. Enough to survive this in one piece and make sensible decisions.

Looking back over the few posts I have, I realised how much has changed and how little has moved. We had been falling apart - piece by piece - for months. I knew it. I could see it. He didnt want to deal with it. I fought it at first. Then he made me feel like us falling apart was my fault - always me.

I ran, far away. To a place where not even distance was the problem. We grew a black hole. Sucking every aspect of ourselves into an unretrieable space.

Is it ever going to come back? They say only time will tell, but I realise its not time, its understanding. Its trusting thats the hardest. Trusting every movement, breath or word.

For you

My heart aches for you.

Floating

A wave hits me and carries me slowly under. The water is neither cold nor hot. Pushed and pulled the water has complete control of me. I allow myself to let go. To follow the tide in a 3 dimensional experience.

My heart races. There are moments, brief in their length, an eternity in emotion, that pushes and pulls me. I want to be with you. I want to go back. But the movement of my wave takes me away. Teasing me just enough so that some days i feel like I am back on land. My certainty firmly beneath me.

I am enjoying not having to choose, I am enjoying the tide. I tumble and roll. I feel myself, touch myself, tickle myself and awake.

Infidelity

Why

There is no response. No clear step by step path that one can follow until you end up here. Its a whirlwind of pain, a tornado of emotion and wave of despair. I have never been here before and never want to be here again. This is the most painful thing I have been through in the last couple of years. And everything I am told is that there is no reason, no justification and I must just get on with my life.

Blankness

I am desperate to be loved and protected but terrified that I will get hurt. My inner child has run for the hills. I want to be held, but not to love. I feel blank. I know that something is supposed to be there, but it isnt. nothing is there. except my obession with the fair, with you cheating and lying. Still lying and more lying and then telling me that the truth is a matter of perspective. Bold and brazen to say the least.

My turn

I am hiding. I am hiding in what I know. I am using what I can to pull myself together. It is all going to end in tears. I know it will but I cant stop. I cant control it, my need to be safe is so strong.

You

I cant have you around me, not even in the ether. you are driving me mad. I have no self respect when I am with you. I need to let go. I dont know if it will work. I dont know that I wont look back and think that I should have continued. I dont have the strength to continue and you are unable / unwilling (and I do believe that it is both) to help.

Me

I am moving. Sometimes I am moving so fast I dont know what is happening. Others I am frozen in my confusion about this, us, you. I am holding it together. Cause thats what I do. I cant fall apart, everyone else needs me to be fine - there is too much else going on. I need to be more selfish. I need to be 100% me.

Us

RunBabyRun

I am leaving

Everything

behind

I am running

Slowly

but running

No where to turn

Everytime i flip the problem over in my head, I hit a brick wall. I can't figure it out.
Its been almost 6 months of pain and suffering. (I am being dramatic - but still!). The more I think about, and the fewer answers I get, the more I think we must end it.

I dont want to end it - it will hurt.
But I suppose it will only hurt once, for a while and then it will be over...

He is not a communicator so we never are able to resolve a problem.
It is kinda discussed and then falls in the bottom of the relationship bag.

I sometimes I find things so complicated to think about that eventually my brain overheats and moves on to the next problem. At the moment, I am trying to understand and decide what to do about my present relationships.

The child in me wants to sit the other person down and ask them to talk to me and be interested in resolving the issue. The adult in me says, take all the pain and be the stronger better person. The dreamer in me says, you wanted to marry this person and now you can't understand why he is behaving this way. The realist says, this is love and life and it requires work. The skeptic says, you could do all the work and still find out that this is falling apart or worse get further involved in a situation that gets deeper by the year, waste time and be hurt even further.

I have never understood two things about myself - 1. How was i born with a lack of interest in judging others. 2. Why do I like to learn about myself by asking questions about me to my partners? This only ever results in my amazement at their judging me and what they feel an open invitation to criticise my every move...

Maybe I should stop taking responsibility. Maybe I should break the age old habits of being interested, trying to live my life with and for someone else, care whether I hurt them when i criticise them and move along like an unabated steam train, chugging through my life.

But then, I wouldn't be me!

Maybe