Two years down

Its been around two years since my relationship with you fell apart. I know we where still together for 6 months of 2008, together hiding in the crumbling shell of "us". I still think of you everyday. I know you are happy. I can see it from your photos, from your life. I pray you keep it that way.

I have found an amazing somebody. Somebody who will always there for me. Someone who wants to always protect and love me. I cant fuck this up because of a memory of you. God give me the strength to put more distance between us every day, every month until I no longer think of you.

2010 is here and I am soo glad that the last two years are over. It symbolises a new begining for me, a clean slate and I wont let you screw it up. You look happy and at peace and I wish you to stay that way - without me and I without you.

I HATE you for making me this weak. If am honest with myself, I allowed you to do it. To have our relationship on your terms only. Well no more. I will run my life the way I wish and I wish it to be without your belligerent, nasty, condescending rubbish. Find someone else to abuse and be happy with it.

I speak to you and I lose my mind. Everything I have worked on goes out the window. The control waines and my heart screams so loudly that it shatters - again.

What is wrong with me?
Why cant I be like everyone else?

I know I am not what he wants. He keeps telling me that. You would think that I have the dignity to keep walking. But I start and then I look back. And I cry and wail and moan. And Miss him terribly. But I know its not mutual so again - WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

Over

So its over.
Finally.
And it feels like we just broke up yesterday. I have been crying for two days. I dont know why...
He treats me like shit and cant bear to be around me. Why would I mourn for that?

Why cant I be happy? I knew that this was happening to me...
I cant spend anymore time on someone who wouldnt make me happy in the long run.
And yet I am sad
So sad. And I miss him. But he doesnt

He is just not that into me

Tears

I think
I have cried all the tears
I have been given
for tonight

Gale force winds

You couldnt have loved me in the begining. You couldnt have wanted me to be with you then. I should have listened when he said "No one will ever love you". I want to learn from this. I want to understand it but I cant. All I know is that I am sad. So sad. It wont leave me. Going back wont help cause it will just remind me of us, of what I thought we were and what we would be.

Learn to close yourself off. Learn not to let anyone in. If you wont be loved, then learn not to love. Learn to keep yourself safe from pain. Keep yourself away from such a temptation. Keep yourself free from the probability of being hurt. Like a candle, snuff your light. Hold it for parents, friends and pets.

Hold yourself up, just long enough for the pain to stop visiting you daily. Til eventually you can shelve it. Place it with your ornaments and become able to tell a story about it. A story that happened to another person, in another lifetime. This will end. Although a piece of you will go with it you must remember that this is life. A dying, an aging of passion until it disappears.

Mine is less of an aging and more of a snuffing, blown out by a gale. Never to return again for fear of having to brave the wind. The world has other plans for you and you must make peace with this. Leave your love behind and remember that once you were blessed to wake up and see the person you love next to you. To wake up and want to devour him so badly. To own him and never let him go.

But this time has ended. Each year will have its box. Each box needs to be locked so you can never go back. Each time held sacred by wood and metal. Secure enough never to find you again.

God it hurts so badly. I cant stop crying. I am sorry that I was not all you wanted and that you, in return, were my hero.

I feel like I have nothing to look foward to. I keep trying to give myself so pleasure in returning, buying a dog, re-doing my kitchen and seeing my friends and family. All of these seem so small in comparison with my longing to be with you. I understand that I cant. But the emotion of it is less eager to listen. So I return to my friends, my family, my dog and my kitchen nightly hoping that soon they will provide me with the power to keep sane through it all.

I still look for you and try to watch every movement, even though they are brief. I revisit it all. the emails, the photographs, the text messages. But it doesnt change that you dont want me, never wanted me. It just makes me feel more confused that I wouldnt believe it for 2 years.

I want to say well, thats life. But then I want to scream. Why me, why my life, why you, why us? My anger is so raw, so desperate and desolate. I am learning that screaming and crying does nothing to change the situation. That nothing is going to happen. It doesnt make a difference at all.

All I can do is avoid you and my thoughts of you until this vase has been created for my shelf. And one day, I will be able to describe the beauty of being in love, even if it was short lived. Even if it was only a couple of perfect months in my life. I will always have that feeling. I will always have the photographs. I will not let go of the feeling of my heart being so consumed it felt like it was going to explode. And that I all I will have.

I get scared
Then I get angry
Then I try to run away

How do I get the Nausher out of me? How do I move on?
You want me
but you dont really want me
You see me as your burden
And perhaps I am
A burden that you wont let go of.

I ask for the strength to give us the freedom to do that
Let go of each other
There is nothing we can give each other
And I think we know that.